[day 39: weakness]

today, i have been thinking about my personal weaknesses,
and what i'm not very good at.
not to beat myself up or anything, but to recognize things
that i can work on to improve
myself.

and the things that i found today are things
that i have been working on all year long.

i realized that i get nervous in front of crowds...
not because i have to be in front of a crowd,
but because i know i talk too fast.
and because people cannot understand me.
i have been working on slowing down my speech,
and it is really really hard for me.
as conceded and funny as it sounds,
my mouth is just trying to go as fast as my brain.
it's like my mouth is on a highway,
and my brain is on the auto-bahn in germany
[no speed limits, no rules. just speed]
that is when i start to stutter, and go over my words
and sound unintelligent....
i hate it.

i realized that i have a hard time sticking up for myself,
even when it needs to be done.
especially when it needs to done...
i think it's because i like everything to stay pleasant,
so i keep acting pleasant.

and i am pleasant, truly happy, most of the time.
it's not that i'm fake, i'm just good at projecting the good.

i realized that i am stubborn
[anyone that knows me is very aware of this]
to a fault sometimes.
and i actually enjoy being stubborn...
it helps me get things done.
but, at the same time, there are times when my
stubbornness
overrides manners, and i assume do something
myself
when i should let someone else do it.

for example, letting guys get the door for me
or letting someone get to know me
or letting someone help me when i need it.

i realized i put up [a lot of] walls that people
have to get through
before i let them get to truly know me.
which is not fair to anyone, including
myself.
because i think people would like to get to know me.
and i love to get to know people.
a lot of people!!

yikes. these are toughies.
i am working on them, always working.
because i want to be able to get to know you guys!
[by you guys, i mean everyone]

i know i am going to keep on being stubborn,
but i will try to let men be gentlemen.
[sorry guys]

i know these are parts of me that make me, me.
but, i need to work on them so that i don't hurt anyone.
including myself...which i have been doing and will continue to do

furthering my personal social experiment.
over and out.